Nanda was in Boston for work. I did something I had never done before: I went to a bar by myself. I’ve been to the Moon Dock many times, but never alone. I walked in and felt that everyone was looking at me. I felt that they all knew I was by myself. Looking back, I know that’s ridiculous—noone gave a shit—but the discomfort I felt was very real. The only thing I knew to do was to go sit at the bar and order something. I asked for a water and tipped the bartender a dollar. Two Asian girls sat to my right. The one close to me was very short. They were talking. The very fact that I hadn’t spoken to them yet made it that much more difficult to speak with them now. I sat alone. I felt alone. I thought I should say hi. I thought I should say anything. But I said nothing and sat there, alone and nervous.
Metallica was on. Master of Puppets. I could have sat there all night. Nobody was going to come talk to me. I kept looking over at the Asians. I think they sensed it. My mouth was dry. Those weren’t butterflies in my stomach. They were dragons. I wanted to leave. I thought about Nanda. I thought about some guy fucking her. I had to do this. I looked over to the Asians.
“Hi,” I said. They didn’t acknowledge me.
I felt short of breath. Rejected. What now? I sat there. The music was loud. Perhaps they didn’t hear me. I was already feeling like shit and had little to lose by trying again.
“Hi, girls,” I said louder, this time sure they would hear.
The one sitting close turned toward me. Her expression was blank, like a sleeping puppy’s.
“I’m Keith,” I said. They were both quiet. “How are you doing tonight?”
“Fine,” said the short one.
I didn’t know what to say.
“How do you like the Moon Dock?”
“It’s good.”
I was out of words again. There was a pause. Then the short one said, “My friend and I haven’t seen each other in a long time and we’re trying to catch up. So…”
“No worries. I’ll let you guys talk.”
The short Asian turned back to her friend and they resumed their conversation. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like getting up, but I had nowhere to go. So I sat there. I looked around. There were three pool tables, all being used. Guys and girls all around, having fun. Everyone was having a good time except me. I was an island, isolated from the fun.
I imagined myself getting up and approaching a group of girls and making them smile and laugh and love me. I was a long way from that. My conversation with the Asian girl lasted ten seconds. I sat looking around. I wanted there to be a girl sitting alone. That seemed manageable. I could go up and say and it wouldn’t be rude and I wouldn’t be interrupting her from catching up with her long-time friend. But there was no girl sitting alone. There were girls playing pool with guys. There were girls sitting with their boyfriends or husbands, probably talking about the next great vacation they would go on.
I looked at my watch and I’d been sitting there for over forty minutes. When the Asians left, they didn’t say bye or even notice me in any way. I didn’t come here to sit. The nerves I was feeling were sickening. I got up and began to walk around. As I walked, I thought things like, those girls aren’t pretty or that girl is smoking or she’s probably here with her boyfriend. These were excuses. I was terrified.
I walked around the entire bar. I walked around a second time. I had to start up a conversation. Three girls were standing a few yards from one of the pool tables. They weren’t attractive. Two of the three had acne and together I’m guessing they weighed between 600 and 700 pounds. I doubt these girls get hit on very often. I thought they would welcome a friendly guy. I walked toward them. My heart jumped out of my chest onto the floor. I pressed on.
I stopped in front of them. “Hi,” I said.
“What do you want?” asked the one wearing glasses.
“I came to say hi.”
“We don’t want to talk to you.”
How does one answer that? I stood there. The largest of the three put her hands on the shoulders of the girl wearing glasses and turned her so that she was giving me her back. Then she did the same with her other friend. She gave a go-fuck-yourself look and then gave me her back. I was now standing facing the backs of three large women. I felt humiliated.
I left the Moon Dock and walked across the street to Club Congress. It was 80’s night. Some of the crowd looked goth, but there was a good mix of people. It feels strange to walk in a club full of people and not have a group of friends to go to. I had no destination. I was a wanderer in a sea of strangers. There were two girls sitting at the bar. They were clearly the two hottest girls in the place. I don’t know how I walked up to them with all the fear I felt, but I did. They sat side by side at the bar. I approached them from behind and put my hands on their shoulders. They turned around to see who I was.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hi.”
“I’m Keith.”
They looked at each other. The blonde looked back and said, “Are you going to buy us a drink?”
“What do you drink?” That was the only thing I could think to say.
“I’ll have a Margarita,” said the blonde.
Her friend turned to me. “I’ll have a Kalua and Crème.”
I called over the bartender and ordered. I got a Coke for myself. I pushed their drinks to them and they took them.
“What are your names?” I said.
“How tall are you?” asked the blonde.
“Six feet.”
“I’ve never dated a guy under six two,” she said. They looked at each other.
“How do you guys know each other?”
“We’re sisters.”
“You don’t look like each other at all.”
“She’s lying,” said her friend. “We’re lesbians.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. We’re lesbians,” said the blonde.
“What do you do?” asked the friend. “You look like an engineer.”
“No. I’m in real estate.”
“Are you rich?”
“I guess that depends what you mean by rich.”
“My exboyfriend gave me a boob-job for my birthday,” said the blonde.
“I thought you were lesbians.”
“We are.”
“I have to go to the bathroom,” said the friend. They looked at each other. “We’ll be right back.”
They left their drinks on the bar, half finished. I suspected they weren’t coming back. I was right. I was done for the evening. I’d had enough humiliation. I was out twenty bucks too. I even felt guilty for having bought them drinks. I felt guilty because of Nanda. It made no sense.
I was done being humiliated for the night, but I wanted to learn. I wanted to see a player in action. I sat and watched interactions around me. It seemed most groups had arrived together. There were three guys playing pool. They looked to be in their mid twenties and were rather normal-looking. I noticed one of them break away. His hair was black and gelled into small spikes. He wore a leather chocker and a thumbring on each thumb. He walked by a group of three girls. Well, it looked as if he was going to walk by, but as he was just about to, he looked back over his shoulder, and asked them something. They answered and he answered back. Then he said something that made the girls laugh. He was facing them now. He involved them all in the conversation. He touched their arms and shoulders and even put his arm around them as he spoke. If I hadn’t seen the first five seconds of the interaction, I would have thought they were friends. But I saw him approach. He was a stranger to them. What he did seemed like magic to me. They all spoke and laughed for seven or eight minutes and then the guy led them to the pool table where he introduced everyone.
He ended up with the prettiest girl of the three, and his friends paired off with the other two. They all played pool and seemed to have a good time in general. It was almost closing time. It looked like they were all going to leave together, perhaps to get something to eat. Before they left, the guy went to the restroom. I followed him in and took the urinal beside his.
“Hey, I’m just curious,” I said, “did you know those girls?”
“No. I just met them.”
“What did you tell them? When you walked up.”
“I asked them if they knew where The Shanty was.” He finished pissing before I did. “Hey, gotta run.”
I thought back and ran it all through my head. He approached slowly, calmly. He looked relaxed and very at ease. He asked them where The Shanty was, but then he seemed to not ask questions anymore. He made them laugh. They felt comfortable with him. He touched all of them. These were the things I had to start doing.
Chapter 5
